


The Universe’s Plaything

by TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alcohol, Binge Drinking, Eventual Romance, Happy Ending, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, Tattoos, Truth or Dare, Vegetables, What Have I Done, Yaoi, questionable life choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 07:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15881217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds/pseuds/TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds
Summary: Renji knew drinking with Rangiku never ended well.The universe loves proving him right.





	1. The Dare That Started It All

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone wants to write a lemon for this, be my guest. I would, but I’m not any good at it :(

__Everybody has that moment in their life where they realize they fucked up royally.

That “oh shit” moment where one practically sees their life flash before their eyes before they either up and buy a house in Alaska or become a hermit and never leave their room ever again.

For Abarai Renji, it involved copious amounts of alcohol and a case of mistaken identity.

Well, sort of.

Misunderstanding, would perhaps be better.

Even if the situation sucked the same whatever word was used.

It all started off fairly harmless, like these things usually do.

After a long week, he had gone out drinking with Kira Izuru and Hisagi Shuhei.

And because she seemed to have a sixth sense when alcohol was involved and Shuhei was a sucker for her...erm...eyes, Matsumoto Rangiku was there too.

After a few drinks were had by all, the buxom blonde had decided they needed to play Truth or Dare. If the loser couldn’t complete the dare or tell the truth, they’d have to take a shot.

Harmless enough, right?

Yeah, maybe if you weren’t playing with one of the biggest gossips in Seireitei.

And if you’re Renji, well, life is just waiting to serve up a pile of screwup with a side of snickering schadenfreude.

“My turn~!" Rangiku sang after a particularly risqué dare that had Shuhei discreetly holding a towel to his nose, "Renji...truth or dare?"

"Hmm..." the alcohol had gone to his head and he was feeling reckless, "truth!"

"Are you sleeping with Kuchiki?"

Renji spat out his sake.

Wut?

He thought for a moment.

"Captain Kuchiki would kill me for even considering it, I think..." he felt himself flush. He looked down to avoid meeting Rangiku's face. "I'd never dare ask him..."

He looked up when he heard a giggle.

"Well...actually..." Rangiku giggled again, "I was talking about Kuchiki _Rukia_...but, never mind"

Renji felt his face turn as red as his hair as Izuru and Shuhei howled with laughter.

“I...wait...I mean...” Renji desperately tried to backpedal, but the damage had been done.

“Ooh. So all that “must be better than Captain Kuchiki” bullshit was just because you have a thing for him?” Shuhei snorted, leaning across the table. Izuru cackled.

“Well at least I didn’t get a matching tattoo!” Renji retorted, causing Shuhei to flush and glance at Rangiku.

“It was done out of respect!” Shuhei defended while Izuru wheezed.

“Does Captain Kuchiki even have any tattoos?” Rangiku wondered out loud, sending Renji’s train of thought careening hilariously off the rails as he wondered just where exactly his captain could be hiding a tattoo.

The mental image of his captain with a 69 tattoo on his lower back nearly caused Renji to have a seizure.

He downed a cup of sake to try and switch tracks.

The image switched to Shuhei winking seductively.

“Gah!” he yelped, scrabbling at his head, “get it out!”

His friends looked at him like he was crazy. Renji slumped in his chair, defeated.

“This was a mistake,” he lamented as Rangiku nudged another cup of sake in his direction.

Rangiku clapped her hands together.

“Renji! Truth or dare?”

“You already did me!” Renji whined.

“So what? Truth. Or. Dare?”

“Dare,” Renji said miserably, deciding ‘truth’ was far too dangerous.

Based on the gleam in Rangiku’s eye, Renji wondered if he had made another mistake.

“I dare you to find out if Captain Kuchiki has a tattoo!”

“No!” Renji yelped, “I’ll take the shot of sake instead”

“Nuh uh! Doesn’t work that way this time,” Rangiku waggled her finger. “You have a week”

“You can’t change the rules!”

“Yes I can,” Rangiku crossed her arms, “right Shuheiii~?” she batted her lashes.

Shuhei gulped.

“Sorry, Rangiku is right,” he said, looking slightly guilty, “we’re all standing behind this one”

“Aaand,” Rangiku held up a finger, “if you don’t complete it, I’ll anonymously send Captain Kuchiki that photo of you at Yumichika’s birthday!”

Renji yelped again.

“You said you got rid of it!”

Rangiku giggled.

“One week~”

Renji groaned.

Royally. Fucked.


	2. Of Carrots and Men

The next Monday saw Renji sitting in his office, equal parts hungover and awkward.

The party had lasted all weekend. With the arrival of Ayasegawa Yumichika and Madarame Ikkaku, they had continued drinking until late Sunday when everyone finally passed out.

When Renji stumbled out of the Tenth Division on Monday morning, Rangiku had ever so sweetly reminded him about the dare.

It couldn’t be that hard. He had reasoned with himself while making the somewhat painful trek to his office. All he would have to do was ask. It was an easy enough question. No ulterior motive.

“Hey captain, do you have any tattoos?”

See? Totally easy and casual.

But when he was faced with his captain’s sternly handsome and slightly disapproving visage, Renji’s bravery disappeared in the wind.

“You smell like an Academy student’s dorm,” Byakuya said distastefully.

“S’rry”

Which is how Renji found himself sitting at his desk, casting the occasional glance towards his captain, who seemed engrossed in his paperwork.

If he was completely honest, the curiosity of whether his captain did or did not have tattoos was gnawing at him much in the way Rukia’s beloved bunnies might gnaw on a carrot.

Renji desperately tried not to think about carrots being gnawed on whilst staring at his attractive captain.

He groaned and thunked his head on his desk in an attempt to keep the pervy thoughts from taking root like pesky carrot plants.

Gah! Enough with the carrots!

“Abarai”

“Sir?”

“Keep your hangover to yourself”

“Sorry”

Renji morosely picked up brush and began his paperwork, vehemently keeping any and all thoughts of leafy vegetables from his mind.

......

Most of the day passed relatively peaceful, except for when Renji had to excuse himself to go empty the contents of his stomach along the side of the building.

Feeling better, he returned to his office.

Byakuya had apparently decided it was time to eat lunch. His captain rarely left the office, even choosing to eat his lunch at his desk.

Normally it wouldn’t bother Renji, but his eyes were drawn to the particular side dish that Byakuya had brought.

Glazed carrots.

With a whimper, Renji turned right back around and left the office, deciding to eat his lunch on the bench by the training grounds instead.

The universe was taunting him, he was sure of it.

This day couldn’t get any worse.

......

There is a theory.

A theory that when you ask the universe “can this day get any worse” the universe usually delivers. In spades.

Renji and Byakuya were departing their office for afternoon training when he heard a shout.

“Oi, Renji!”

Renji glanced up.

Shuhei was standing a few feet away, waving a handful of white cloth in the air.

“You left your fundoshi this weekend!” Shuhei shouted.

Very. Loudly.

The passing division members glanced between them and snickered.

Byakuya raised a perfectly manicured brow.

Renji wanted to die as he gritted his teeth, stomped over to Shuhei, snatched the white cloth out of his hand and flash-stepped away.

“When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, NOT a challenge!” he raged at the sky before slumping over in defeat.

.....

After a day like that, Renji rounded up Izuru and Shuhei to go for drinks.

NOT Rangiku.

He should know by now to never drink with Rangiku. It never ended well.

“You’re a bastard!” Renji slurred.

Shuhei cackled.

“It was great though...you should’ve seen your face! Zu’ you should’ve seen his face!” Shuhei nudged Izuru.

The blonde raised an eyebrow, carefully taking a sip of his sake.

“Should you be getting drunk on a Monday?” Izuru asked.

“After what this bastard did to me today? Of course!” Renji slammed his sake cup down. “It doesn’t help that my brain won’t stop thinking about vegetables”

“Vegetables?” Izuru blinked, clearly confused.

“Carrots,” Renji said morosely, “and my captain...”

Shuhei howled with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“No cucumbers?” Shuhei winked seductively. Renji was suddenly and violently reminded of Saturday night, when he tried to picture something other than his captain with a 69 tattoo.

He winced. Again trying to quash that mental image.

“Pretty sure you’re just gonna start thinking about phallic vegetables in general,” Izuru agreed.

“Let’s just hope Captain Kuchiki doesn’t suddenly decide cucumbers and bananas are his new favorite foods,” Renji groused, taking another drink of his sake, “and definitely not carrots!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMAKE
> 
> Renji was running through the halls of Byakuya’s mansion panicked, heart racing.
> 
> He had to find someplace to hide and fast, as the furry nose of a giant rabbit peeked around the corner.
> 
> He skidded to a halt and opened the nearest door, closing it with a sigh of relief.
> 
> Safe.
> 
> “Well, hello,” Renji jumped and turned. Byakuya was lying in the bed dressed as a cucumber. “Don’t you look tasty”
> 
> Renji turned, catching a glimpse of himself in the window: he was a carrot with legs. His spiky red hair taking the place of the leafy green top.
> 
> Renji woke with a shout, a cold sweat beading his skin and a painful erection.
> 
> He groaned and flopped back on his bed.
> 
> Maybe he should stop drinking.


	3. The Trouble With Cucumbers

Renji decided the universe had picked him as it’s new favorite plaything and seriously enjoyed fucking his life up.

The day had been going relatively well.

He had managed to make it to work without a hangover, despite having drank an entire bottle of sake the previous night.

His captain seemed less disdainful.

(Probably cause Renji no longer smelled like a dive bar)

And thoughts of carrots were far from his brain.

All in all, a good day.

But when life is going good, you just know the universe is waiting to take a steaming dump all over it.

Especially if you’re Abarai Renji.

Which is why, on his return from the bathroom, he found himself frozen in place.

His captain had decided to eat lunch again.

Only this time, instead of carrots, were miniature cucumbers.

Whole cucumbers.

CUCUMBERS.

“Abarai”

Renji was mortified when the only sound he could produce was a desperate squeak.

“I do hope you are not hungover again,” Byakuya raised an eyebrow again.

“N-no sir...” he said weakly.

“Good”

Renji stared as Byakuya delicately ate a cucumber, turning has attention back to his work.

He had no idea how long he had stared at his captain, slack-jawed.

Byakuya ate another cucumber and Renji swallowed the lump in his throat. His captain looked up.

“Abarai?”

“Gotta go...do a thing...!” Renji stumbled out of the door, smacking his face against the frame. Mortification washed over him and he flash-stepped away.

Once he was far enough away, he stopped.

This was so not happening.

He glanced down at his hakama pants and groaned.

He was very much NOT going to ask any rhetorical questions lest the universe continue to take them as a challenge.

He was pretty sure he couldn’t handle any more phallic vegetables passing his captain’s lips, if the tenting of his hakama pants was any indication.

This was getting out of hand.

......

“So what are you gonna do?” Izuru asked.

Renji was staring into his sake, depressed.

He had collected his friends for another drink. This was becoming a serious problem. He had not gone one night without going to the bar and getting somewhere between drunk and wasted.

Some point after his third, or was it his fifth? drink, he had lamented the cucumber incident much to the amusement of his friends.

“Ignore it and hope it goes away, obviously,” Renji replied to Izuru’s question.

“Okay, now pretend you’re an adult”

“I hate that game,” Renji downed his cup of sake.

“Alternatively,” Yumichika interjected, “the best course of action could be to just suck his dick and see what happens next”

Renji squawked. Shuhei howled with laughter. Izuru hid his smile behind his sake.

“Senbonzakura would happen next...” Renji mumbled, trying to calm the flush that had crept up his cheeks.

“You just need to suck up the courage and tell him,” Izuru gestured. “Otherwise you’ll be single and miserably pining over your captain for the rest of your life...look how well that’s worked out for Shuhei”

“Hey! I don’t pine!”

“More alcohol, less comments about my love life,” Renji groused.

"Yeah, can't talk about what doesn’t exist,” Yumichika said primly.

"I manage. You have to tie them up to stop them from running away”

“I can assure you, darling, I have never tied up anybody who wasn’t completely into it”

Shuhei gave him a dark look, which Yumichika ignored.

Renji downed another cup of sake.

“Remember, you still have three days to figure out if he has a tattoo,” Shuhei pointed out.

“Who?” Yumichika blinked, “Captain Kuchiki?”

“Yup! Rangiku dared Renji. Otherwise she would send the photo she took at your birthday”

“You mean the one with the-“

“I KNOW WHICH ONE!” Renji roared, startling the patrons. He slumped in his chair.

He had almost forgotten about the dare.

“I’ll just ask him tomorrow...”

“I wonder what kind of tattoo he’d have?” Yumichika wondered, “probably something elegant...”

“Or something secretly trashy,” Shuhei snorted, “how much you wanna bet he has a tramp stamp?”

Renji’s mind was spinning like a hamster ball as it imagined various tattoos before superimposing them over the image of his captain’s lower back.

Blood spurted from Renji’s nose, startling his friends and the neighboring patrons.

He slumped over the table.

He was gonna die of blood loss if his brain didn’t shut up soon.


	4. Not A Vegetable...

The closer it got to lunchtime, the more nervous Renji became.

It was a Wednesday.

In between his captain’s sudden fondness for phallic vegetables, he had almost forgotten the dare.

A dare he had two and a half days to complete.

He prayed to whatever god was listening that Byakuya’s lunch contained no phallic vegetables this time.

Hell, he would even perform a blood sacrifice to appease whatever god controlled the phallic vegetables.

He was so focused on his captain, he had maybe completed a third of his paperwork by the time lunchtime rolled around.

He watched as his captain pulled out his lunch, neatly wrapped in what was probably a very expensive cloth.

He felt a bead of sweat slip down his spine as more sweat collected beneath his headband.

“Abarai”

“S-sir?” he jumped.

“Is there a reason you have spent all morning staring at me?”

Renji let out a high pitched sound.

“N-no...uh...you’re looking very...very...” Renji flailed for an adjective, “...noble...today,” he finished weakly.

Byakuya raised an eyebrow, leveling him with a stare that indicated he was less than impressed.

“Thank you,” he turned his attention back to his lunch. Renji let out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

Byakuya untied the cloth around his lunch and Renji breathed a sigh of relief.

A simple bento box.

No phallic vegetables in sight.

Maybe the universe had finally listened to his wish.

He breathed another sigh of relief.

Until Byakuya pulled a banana from seemingly nowhere.

He let out a strangled sound.

Byakuya glanced at him. Imperceptibly quizzical.

“Abarai. Are you feeling alright?” he raised an eyebrow, “you are quite red. You should go to the Fourth. I cannot have my lieutenant falling ill. Perhaps you should stop going out to drink”

“Perhaps...” Renji said weakly, staring at his paperwork.

He glanced up only to catch his captain mid-bite.

“Ack”

Byakuya looked up, pulling the banana out of his mouth, much to Renji’s consternation.

“Abarai?”

“Banana...”

“Bananas are a very good source of potassium,” Byakuya said flatly, looking directly at him, “perhaps you should eat more bananas”

His captain’s words shot straight to the gutter of Renji’s mind that also unfortunately seemed to have a direct line of communication to his dick which twinged with interest.

He choked.

“Haaah...” Renji said intelligently, brain unable form actual coherent sentences. Byakuya looked mildly perturbed, but turned his attention back to his paperwork.

And his banana.

Renji whimpered as his captain took another bite.

He had to get out of there.

“I’m gonna go to the Fourth,” he stood up suddenly. Byakuya looked up, banana halfway in his mouth.

Renji flash-stepped out of the office barely seconds before blood squirted out of his nose with a force that would make the Niagara Falls jealous.

.....

“A banana!” Renji practically shouted. “How is that fair!?”

By now, Izuru and Shuhei pretty much expected that Renji would drag them out to the bar.

“Well, you said no phallic vegetables,” Izuru pointed out, “a banana isn’t a vegetable”

Renji leveled a glare in his direction.

“Just saying,” Izuru took a sip from his cup.

Shuhei cackled.

“Maybe his tattoo is a banana,” he grinned. “A banana on his lower back, with the tip pointing towards...”

“If breathing weren't involuntary, you would have suffocated a long time ago,” Renji interrupted him, slamming his sake back before Shuhei could finish his perverted thought that would lead to Renji’s perverted thoughts.

Shuhei squawked his indignation.

“That’s not very nice,” Izuru said mildly. “Even if it might be true”

Another squawk.

Renji grabbed the bottle of sake and downed half of it.

He really needed to do something.


	5. Another Loophole

Thursday. One and a half more days to complete the dare.

Two more days of having to watch his captain eat whatever phallic monstrosity he brought that day.

He had begun to dread lunchtime.

He wondered how long he was going to have to suffer through watching his captain eat his way through the List of Phallic Foods.

There were only so many foods that brought to mind a dick, right?

There had to be.

If Renji could just wait it out, he would be totally fine.

It was the waiting that was going to be the hard part.

And was going to make parts of him hard.

He could not keep running away at lunch. It would start to look suspicious if he bolted every time his captain started to eat.

It was not good.

He could always pretend he never brought a lunch, but since he usually did, that would look suspicious too.

Renji sighed and sent up another wish, hoping the universe would have mercy on him.

_Nothing penis shaped. Please. I beg of you._

.....

The clock ticked down.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

The sweat had begun to gather along Renji’s neck as he cast nervous glances at his captain that only increased with each minute closer to lunchtime.

He heard the telltale movement that signaled Byakuya was getting his lunch out and stared in anticipating dread.

What would he have to watch the man put past his ridiculously attractive lips today?

He pulled out two apricots.

Renji breathed a sigh of relief.

Maybe the universe listened.

Maybe he got a reprieve.

Until his captain started idly spinning the apricots together in his hand as he worked.

Renji gulped.

Byakuya examined one of them, rubbing his thumb against the side of one with a furrow in his brow before squeezing the other one.

Renji shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

He might as well stick an “Out of Order” sign on his forehead and call it a day.

Apricots might actually be worse than phallic foods. Because there was nothing inherently dirty about them.

But Renji’s mind immediately jumped to perverted.

He was unable to look away as his captain bit into the first one before licking his lips. Renji stared openly as his captain finished the apricot, pulling the seed from between his lips.

Renji shifted again, increasingly uncomfortable.

Byakuya started on the next apricot. This one he carefully peeled open with long, nimble fingers.

Renji had to bite his tongue as he shifted again.

“Abarai”

“Captain!”

“Stop squirming. You are not a worm”

“Yes sir,” Renji said miserably.

The universe delivered on its promise in a typical universe way, again.

It wasn’t penis shaped.

.....

“Are you drunk?” Shuhei nudged him.

“Working on it...” Renji mumbled.

He had gotten to the bar long before his friends. He was a quarter of the way done with his sake bottle.

“What happened today?” Yumichika raised an eyebrow as Renji fumbled his way to the usual table.

“Apricots...” Renji complained, “he brought apricots...”

.....

“You’ve got it bad,” Izuru raised an eyebrow as Shuhei howled with laughter.

Renji had just finished describing the ridiculously erotic way his captain had consumed the apricots, much to his friends’ amusement.

“Apricots should not be a sexy food!” Renji whined, sounding much like the stray dog he seemed fond of describing himself as, “they’re apricots”

“I guess they kind of do look like balls,” Yumichika said thoughtfully.

“Is this seriously all you guys talk about when you come drinking?” Ikkaku complained. Yumichika shushed him. “Everybody knows Renji has the hots for his captain, but I certainly don’t wanna know what the man eats for lunch everyday”

“It’s pretty hilarious when you think about it,” Izuru smiled.

“This is serious!” Renji slammed his fist into the table.

“I know...see?” Ikkaku gestured, “serious face means serious listening”

“I’ve seen your serious face before,” Renji eyeballed him. “It lies.”

Ikkaku snorted.

“I’m just grateful our thoughts don’t appear in little bubbles above our heads...” Renji mumbled, tracing the grain of the table.

Shuhei whistled.

“How much have you had to drink?”

“Not enough,” he reached for the sake container only to have it pulled out of his grasp.

Izuru shook his head.

“I’m cutting you off,” he set the sake bottle next to him. “You cannot keep showing up to work like that”

“Maybe I should...”

“Ooh. Remember, you have to complete the Dare by tomorrow!” Shuhei gestured.

“Don’t remind me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMAKE
> 
> Renji was walking down the hall. It was a long, twisty hall.
> 
> He opened a door. It was painted blue. 
> 
> He found himself floating up into the air before his feet hit solid ground.
> 
> He walked forward a bit more, his surroundings were mostly dark with random objects floating weightlessly around him: chairs, zanpakuto, trees, plates, cups...
> 
> He neared two tables. One blue and one orange.
> 
> Two apricots popped up on the blue table. They had Byakuya’s face.
> 
> “Eat me. Eat me.” they chanted in unison.
> 
> A sake container popped up on the orange one. Byakuya’s head in place of the lid.
> 
> “Drink me”
> 
> Renji looked down, only to realize his hands had turned into cucumbers.
> 
> He woke up in a cold sweat, staring at his ceiling. 
> 
> He really needed to stop drinking before bed.


	6. The Perils of Yogurt

Friday. The day of reckoning.

Renji was dreading lunchtime.

Maybe he could leave before.

His hopes were dashed, however, at the stacks of paperwork sitting on their desks.

“We have a busy day,” Byakuya said, “I do hope you will not be distracted today. Also, we will most likely need to work through lunch”

Renji glared at the sky, silently cursing the universe.

He would just have to not pay attention to whatever phallic monstrosity his captain had brought.

He internally groaned at the impossible task.

He also realized it was Friday. He was supposed to have completed the Dare by tonight.

His miserable mood only grew as he sat at his desk and waited for the dreaded hour.

.....

If someone was to ask “can a dick-shaped food be too dick-shaped?” Renji would respond with an emphatic Yes.

It was whatever the hell was sitting in front of his captain.

“Have you never tried geoduck sashimi, Renji?” Byakuya raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll...pass,” Renji said weakly, unable to take his eyes off it.

It was a shell. With a dick. A massive dick. A massive dick that had been cut into thin pieces.

There was no other way to describe it.

His captain nudged pieces of it around, picking it up with his chopsticks before dipping it in soy sauce and putting it in his mouth.

Renji’s eyes dropped to the geoduck.

The mental image of Byakuya putting the whole thing in his mouth danced mockingly through Renji’s mind.

He squeezed his eyes shut.

“I can assure you it tastes much better than it looks,” Byakuya’s voice drifted over to him.

So. Not. Helping.

Renji studiously avoided looking at his captain as the man finished his lunch.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

They worked in silence for a bit, Renji congratulating himself on making it through lunch, before Byakuya broke it.

“Rukia introduced me to a phenomenon in the World of the Living,” Byakuya said, “perhaps you are aware of it?”

Renji stared at him slightly warily.

“What...” he cleared his throat, “what would that be sir?”

Byakuya reached down and pulled out a tube.

Renji felt his stomach drop to his toes as his dick moved in the opposite direction.

Yogurt in a tube.

“It was surprisingly delicious,” he said, opening the top. Renji was physically unable to look away as his captain held the tube up to his mouth and squeezed it.

A drop of yogurt fell just below his chin. Byakuya very carefully used his finger to wipe it away and, in a movement very uncharacteristic to the noble captain, licked his finger.

That was it.

Renji’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and his vision went dark.

.....

Renji woke on something soft.

He groaned.

The last thing he remembered was yogurt. He flushed a dark red.

Oh no. Oh god.

Right as Renji was contemplating changing his name and relocating to the World of the Living, the door slid open and Byakuya entered.

“You are awake”

Renji gulped.

“Perhaps I took it too far,” Byakuya said, not looking at him.

Renji blinked.

“Come again?”

“A week ago,” Byakuya tilted his head, “I happened to overhear a conversation in which my name was mentioned”

Renji felt a cold chill wash through him.

“My curiosity was piqued, so I continued to frequent that bar to see if there was anything else said regarding me. You were usually so engrossed in what you were doing, you failed to notice me”

The mortification began to set in.

“That was when I discovered your apparent interest in me...and certain food items”

Renji was beginning to wonder if Karakura Town was far enough. Maybe he should look further.

Maybe America.

Or the Arctic.

“I must say, I never would have expected you to reciprocate the interest”

Where was New Zealand? Maybe New...

...wait, what?

Renji blinked several times as his captain’s words slowly filtered through the gaze of embarrassment.

“C-captain?”

“I was hoping to get you to say something; cucumbers, geoduck...unfortunately it did not seem to work. It was entertaining, but not what I had hoped for”

The realization that his captain had been doing it entirely on purpose began to set in.

“Guh”

Grey eyes glanced at him.

“I realized I needed to take a more direct approach. You have a dare you have to complete by tonight, correct?”

Renji’s brain was slowly coming back online.

“Uh...y-yeah...find out whether you have any tattoos or not,” he said sheepishly.

Byakuya held his gaze, “well, I invite you to find out for yourself”

Was he dreaming?

Renji reached out, cupping his captain’s face with his large hand, the other going to encircle the surprisingly delicate waist as he pulled him close.

Still not convinced it wasn’t another weird dream, but not willing to let this chance go to waste in either a dream or reality, he leaned in and pressed his lips against Byakuya’s.

The captain returned the kiss, gripping Renji’s arms. Renji licked at the seam of his lips and Byakuya opened his mouth, allowing Renji’s tongue access.

He tasted like banana yogurt.

Renji pulled him closer and pushed him backwards on the futon as his hand slipped beneath the other’s shihakusho.

Maybe the universe was onto something after all.


	7. The Truth Will Out (AKA Renji got his swagger back)

“Sooo?” Rangiku cooed, “did you complete the dare?”

Renji grinned into his sake.

They were all several drinks in before Rangiku even remembered the Dare. Renji’s normal swagger was back in full force.

“Maybe”

“Oh, he didn’t,” Shuhei cackled.

“I wouldn’t be too sure,” Izuru raised an eyebrow.

“Oh come ooon,” Rangiku wheedled. “You do know what’s at stake!”

“I know, the photo from Yumichika’s birthday party”

“You wouldn’t want that making it’s way to your captain, would you?”

“Go ahead,” Renji leaned back, feeling smug. “Send it”

“Ooh!” Shuhei’s jaw dropped. “I know why he’s like this! You finally made a move on Kuchiki!”

Renji didn’t say anything, his smug look said more than enough.

A round of cooing and teasing taunts rose from the table.

“Lemme guess, it was him who put those feisty little fuckers all over your neck?” Ikkaku raised an eyebrow.

Renji winked to the renewed uproar.

“He’s ballsy,” Shuhei grinned.

“Unlike you,” Yumichika fired back.

Shuhei looked wounded.

“Please understand that every ounce of sarcasm I direct towards you is a declaration of my undying love,” Yumichika pet his head. “Also, if Renji was able to get with his captain, you’d better move your ass on yours”

Shuhei squawked and flailed. Rangiku looked intrigued.

“Ooh. Shuhei! Truth or dare!”

“Noooo!”

Renji sat back and watched as his friends battled it out over the sake. He grinned to himself.

Because he knew _exactly_ where his captain had a tattoo.

And it was not a banana.

 


End file.
